Almost lost for words (but not quite)

I can’t do religious rants – I’m not religious. So this isn’t one, even though I’m a recovering Catholic, my wife is Jewish, and yes, some of my friends and colleagues are Hindu and Muslim.

Consider this a rant against those intellectual amputees who have plumbed the depths of hypocrisy by clutching their Woolworths shares in one hand and a placard demanding that I boycott the company in the other.

Excuse me?

That’s like expecting me to flagellate myself with a bicycle chain because my neighbour’s dog keeps you up all night.

My issue isn’t particularly about the Arab-Israeli conflict. Or that I hear no outrage at the chopping off of heads and the kidnapping of young woman that’s going on in some quarters of our wonderful world.

It’s just that you don’t make any sense. 

Not the slightest, tiniest bit.

God, how stupid do you have to be to try to destroy your own investment? Perhaps the answer to an otherwise rhetorical question lies in the fact that the pig’s head which appeared Woolies’ Sea Point branch was actually placed in the Halaal section of the store. There is no kosher section.

(Much to the surprise of many a Sea Point kugel: “Oy, so since when is Woolies selling kosher food?”)

Here’s what I suggest you do. It may help lend a little logic to your otherwise fraught campaign.

If you don't like the way Woolies conducts is business, sell your shares and shop somewhere else. It's a free world (for the time being).

Find a retailer that has no connections with Israel and buy your food and clothing there. 

But be careful. 

Your favourite new store had better not use Microsoft Windows on their computers. Much of it was developed in Israel. 

Check out their hardware. Chances are that their PCs and other devices contain a Sandybridge, 8088 or Centrino chip, developed and manufactured for Intel in Israel. Or that their CCTV system in fact originated there.

Before you enter, throw away your cell phone. Without Israeli engineering, it must be the size of a small shoebox, which will surely get in the way while you’re stocking up on Iraqi or Chinese or Russian produce.

On your way home, please hand the following to the first beggar who comes to your window: your iPad, iPhone, MacBook Air and any Samsung products that use Anobit flash technology. Its Israeli origins surely mean you can’t keep any of them. 

Once you’re home, fling your Kindle out of the window – the Java system that drives it was definitely not developed by COSAS. Indeed, it may come as a surprise to learn that it was developed in Israel.

Take that little flash drive off your key ring and smite it with a rock. Sift through your medicine cabinet and toss half of the medicines in it down the loo. Stop eating the Zionist poison of cherry tomatoes at once.

Then, on a clay tablet, begin a petition demanding that AngloGold Ashanti close its Western Deep mines as punishment for being so naughty as to use Israeli-made cooling systems.

There.

Feeling better now?

Perhaps you should do what I did and spend fifteen minutes on Google to find out exactly where, when and how you (and I, and much of the world's populace that has learnt to balance on its hind legs) benefit from Israeli inventions and products before going off on a hysterical and misguided zombie attack of a single random retailer.

And for fuck’s sake, grow up and stop trying to make up my mind for me.

The only reason that I’d consider boycotting Woolworths is that I don’t really like frogs, least of all in my salad. 

But I’d bet my MacBook that the ratio of frog-infested salad to frog-free salad in Woolies is pretty much on a par with the ratio of Israeli to non-Israeli products on their shelves.